Andy Capp

Andy Capp ... my hero.

Silly Signs

Question: Is this the most pointless sign in the world?

Dress code madness

My experience with dress codes of late have been somewhat frustrating

I am neither goth, nor bogan, nor drag queen. I don't get into fights or grafitti "John sucks cock" followed by his phone number on the wall of the gents (sorry "Rest Room"). I even direct bar-staff to people who were clearly before me at the bar. Yet despite my obvious style and impeccable behaviour (Will you STOP underlining words that are correctly spelt for gods sake!) I have been refused entry twice of late. Yes I know ... ME!

The first occasion was at the casino, and was probably the most annoying ... I was meeting some friends who were visiting from interstate. I wore a pair of trousers, black leather shoes and a black turtle neck jumper (well, black is very slimming), I looked good, I looked better than good ... but no ... "Sorry Mate ... you have to have a collar after 6pm" ... what the fuck for? Does my lack of collar give me a competitive advantage at the Black Jack table? Is it offensive to certain cultures that frequent such establishments? Just to wind me up more they let in a bogan wearing jeans, trainers and a flannelette shirt while I was expressing my outrage to the muppets parading as bouncers. "What about him!" I excitedly pointed at the bogan monkey lurching in. "He's got a collar mate" ... bastards

The second occasion was the other day when I was refused entry on account of my shoes which apparently didn't have the required proportion of cow's arse to be worthy of drinking in such an establishment. The girl had got out of the car to get the beers in while I parked the car ... so she was already in ... after much arguing (I am surprisingly persistent when I have a pint waiting for me) he agreed to let me in, just this once. (Why did I feel so grateful?). When I got in I realised that about 80% of the current clientele were scruffy twats, but they came in before 6pm when the dress code started. Seriously, what is the point of that?

The issue clearly appears to be the focus on items of clothing in isolation, collars and shoes in this case, with no regard for the style and look of the overall ensemble. It is surprisingly possible to look stylish and smart (casual) without collar or leather shoes.

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iPhone Picture Messaging Horror

I love my iPhone, it's sleek and sexy. I love showing off the features, for example, how cool is the pinching the screen to make things bigger or smaller thing!

So when the new version 3.0 of the iPhone software was released I couldn't wait to try out the new features ... Landscape texting: Thought it was going to be better than it is (too used to the portrait keyboard) ... Cut and Paste, magic ... MMS capabilities ... thats where my problem lies.

For the first week or so (til the novelty wore off), wherever I was I thought about what cool and amusing pictures I could send to Aimee. This seems fine on the surface, but highlights a problem with the way the iPhone starts the messaging application. For those not blessed enough to have such a device, it always starts on the last screen you were on. Mostly the last person your texted so additional care is required before you send the message to ensure the correct person receives the message.

I have made this error before sending silly texts to friends and clients alike, but adding photos makes it sooooo much worse! So far I have sent a picture of a prawn cracker I was eating while waiting for a takeaway to one of my clients and worse still (by some distance) was the other day when I was in a particularly silly mood ...

We were getting ready to go out to the pub for one of our friends birthdays last weekend. While I was, erm, flushing the system out (so to speak) I took my phone so I could check the news and update my facebook status (who doesn't!). Then my great idea came to me ... Heeeeeeyy! I could send Aimee is picture of me on the loo ... she'll love that. So I proceeded to spend a good few minutes trying to capture a good picture of myself on the karzie (which meant taking several where I was almost not in the picture ... not great for self portraits the iPhone). Finally, when I was happy I proceeded to send the message with a cheeky chuckle to myself.

Then it happened ... I noticed WHO I was sending it to ... it was to one of my mates ... oh shit ... Queue pathetic attempts to prevent the text from going ... shake it to see if the undo function works ... nope ... cover the phone with my hands, hide it under my jumper, anything to make it loose reception ... improved if anything ... Swear at it ... no reaction ... Cover my own face with hands hoping the phone would take pity ... it didn't.

Below is the actual screen shot from the phone, the "O." is the only remaining evidence of my panic ... quite appropriate methinks!



Can I be the only one to have this problem?

Classic Comedy - Monty Pythons Flying Circus

This is the first post about comedy I find funny and inspiring ... there will be many more!

First cab off the ranks is Monty Pythons Flying Circus. It is clear to see how modern comedy has been inspired by this show (eg. "Fast Show" and "Little Britain"). They were the masters of silliness, characters changing mid-sketch and themes which flit in and out throughout the episodes. Their punch lines can still be heard around the world (think "nudge, nudge, wink, wink").

I am not going to go into massive and boring details about the history of Monty Python because there are millions of sites around where you can get that information so I will just tell you who's in it and,

"GET ON WITH IT!"

• John Cleese
• Eric Idle
• Michael Palin
• Graham Chapman
• Terry Jones
• Terry Gilliam

I could have included many sketches here including the most famous Dead Parrot sketch ... but I wanted to use 2 that particularly appeal to me, hope you enjoy!

Man Turns Into Scotsman Sketch (Series 1, Episode 7)

I chose this sketch for a couple of reasons. First, cos it is piss funny, second because I have quite a few Scottish friends which adds that extra relevance :)

I particularly love how the inspector tries to determine any scottishness from the mans wife ...

He never got drunk at night or brought home black puddings?

Four Yorkshiremen

This video, recorded live at the Hollywood Bowl, shows the four rich Yorshiremen trying to out-do each other as to how poor they used to be with increasing silliness.

Being a proud Yorkshireman myself how could I not include this one? Enjoy ...

Feel free to share your opinions ...

Cheers ...

Jason

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Call a bog a bog

I am unsure why the word "toilet" is forbidden to say in public.

Women cunningly disguise their disgusting habit of going to the loo by instead visiting the "bathroom" ... I used to wonder what world of feminine bliss lay behind the grimy green door at the Prince of Wales. I had visions of plush carpets, dressing tables and, well, a bath! I can now going to expose that as a lie ... it is, in fact, a slightly less smelly version of the male "bathroom" (as I am trying to avoid toilet humour I will leave the comparison there).

Bowing to this female pressure shopping centres across the country (Australia) are increasingly referring to the little boys room as "Rest Rooms" How posh, and a jolly good idea I thought. At last, a male luxury sanctuary where I can sink into a chesterfield with the paper and a single malt while the missus goes "ooo" a lot at shoes . May read a book, watch the rugger or play Billiards with a chap who has a double barreled surname (might even have a piss while I'm at it, who knows). But wait ... in another exclusive Twaddle Factory expose we can bring you the truth about these so called "Rest" rooms ... they are ... in fact ... just a normal bog (Gasp).

So come on people, next time you are in the pub, or restaurant and you need to pay a visit, forget all the pretentious bollocks, stand up, puff out your chest and say in a booming, confident voice...

"Get the beers in ... I'm off for a slash"

A very witty birthday card

Selecting a card for someone can be such a struggle for me. Firstly, unless someone has died or is dying it has to be funny. Secondly there is often a severe lack of genuinely witty cards which appeal to my sense of humour (Random Whinge: Can Americans spell ANYTHING? There is a "u" in humour! I can see this is particular whinge will come up regularly).

This year for my girlfriends birthday I had the rare experience of finding the absolute perfect card for her, straight away ... how we laughed :)